Orientation & Etiquette
Held after each Munch
UPDATED OCTOBER 2022
If you need to sit an Orientation & Etiquette Workshop we hold these after each Monthly Munch and on some occasions where Volunteers are available, before a Party.
These workshops are FREE and run by Volunteers in the community, these Volunteers are not paid and have social commitments. We recommend you attend an available workshop when the opportunity arises, to give you the future ability to attend a UB Party.
It is your responsibility to arrange and attend a workshop prior to a UB Party.
Attendance is mandatory for anyone attending a UB Party.
If you’re still struggling with consent just imagine instead of initiating sex you’re making them a cup of tea
These are standards expected for UB Play Parties.
Etiquette customs differ slightly in different circles.
At UB, the basics are:
You must be over 18 years of age
"Not touching anyone or their toys without permission" and
"Not interfering with scenes in progress", are pretty much universal.
No illegal drugs. No intoxication.
General rules of etiquette are:
Going to a Party.
What happens at a party and who with, stays at the party.
You must register before the party (minimum of 48 hours).
You must register and pay using Eventbrite, sales normally close 48 hours before the event starts.
Ticking going on Fetlife is not Registering.
If you can not attend a party please request an Eventbrite Self-Service Refund.
Check on the dress code for the event, if it is a fetish event and you do not have fetish clothes – wear black.
Bring your sense of humour.
Confidentiality, what happens at a party and who with, stays at the party.
Do not touch people.
Do not touch people without asking permission.
This includes friendly gestures like handshakes and hugging.
Proactively ask for verbal consent.
If someone says “Maybe Later” - take this as a “No”.
Don’t be afraid to say “No”.
Don’t be afraid of asking & hearing “No” - this isn’t a bad thing.
You can revoke consent at any time.
Agree on a consent system before beginning to play.
It’s ok to ask.
Do not sexually harass people.
Hounding, harassing, or puppy-dogging after the object of your sexual interest will guarantee that you will not be invited to any more parties.
You might even be thrown out of the one you are at.
DMs - Dungeon Monitors.
DMs help ensure safety at UB events.
DMs Decisions are final.
If you engage in Edge Play (which could potentially cause serious harm or loss of life), please advise a DM beforehand.
At the party, relax, be yourself, be open and friendly.
If you have any questions ask a DM or host.
Do not intervene in scenes.
If you are bothered by something you see because it seems extreme, risky, or even impossible to be consensual to you, find a host or DM to check on the scene, explain it to you, or reassure you.
If a corrective action like a safety improvement needs to be taken, the host or DM will take care of conveying that to the top in an appropriate manner.
At your first few play parties, it is OK not to play. Absorb, watch and learn.
If something is too extreme for you to enjoy watching, then simply leave the room quietly.
Do not encroach on a scene.
Be quiet while scenes are going on, or go to the social space to chat!
The admiring or joking comment you think you are quietly whispering to the person sitting next to you is often heard by the bottom or top, whose senses are sometimes hyper-tuned and on edge.
Be polite, and don't talk or whisper.
Yours could be the remark that ruins a wonderful scene for someone.
Novices attempting to start conversations with the top or the bottom during scenes is one of the most common and astonishing etiquette errors at play parties with newbies in attendance. It should be obvious, but perhaps it is not, so I will say it outright: Do not address comments or questions to the top or the bottom while they are playing!
Similarly, do not try to start a conversation with the partners while they are cuddling together after a scene. What looks to you like a lull in the action while the top steps away to get a new toy or while the play partners are whispering intimately together after a scene is not the moment to walk over and ask where they are from and how long they have been doing this!
The play partners are very focused on each other and on the intimacy of whatever they are doing together, and they want to maintain that focus even during short breaks.
If you feel an uncontrollable urge to ask how the top ever learned to wield a knife so steadily, or to ask if the bottom isn't scared of having a breast cut off, then go get a soft drink and ask someone in the social space.
Leave space for the top to move, swing a flogger, etc. during a scene.
If the room is too crowded, stand against the far wall or leave the room.
If the top asks you to move, then move!
Do not, ever touch or get too close to the bottom.
During a scene
After a scene.
Bottoms are dependent on their tops: the bottom's physical and emotional well-being are the top's responsibility during and after scenes.
After a scene, give the players a quiet space on the sofa if they want to cuddle together. The closeness and aftercare following scenes and the bottom's emotional fragility usually last longer than it looks to outsiders.
Give people time to come down.
If you need to ask a quiet question, like "Would you like this blanket that's here behind me?" address the top, not the bottom, and be as unobtrusive, succinct, and quiet as possible.
Do not join in scenes, even if it looks like they are free-for-alls.
A scene that might look to you like lots of folks are joining into pleasure or otherwise play with the bottom might, in fact, be pre-arranged between the top and other acceptable players to look casual.
Or it might be that the top is subtly signalling audience members they know to be acceptable.
Join in only if the top clearly beckons you in.
If in doubt, check with the top.
Do not touch people's toys.
Even if someone lets you hold a flogger, it is also courteous to ask again before swinging it through the air at an imaginary target or your forearm.
Do not run any sharp instruments along your skin to test its sharpness - the owner might have gone to pains to sterilize the blade in expectation of an upcoming scene, and sharp edges break skin without always leaving marks or drawing blood.
No photography or mobile phones to be used in the play area, without first asking a DM.
If pictures are to be taken, ask the DM on duty first to ensure other people's privacy at the party.
No messaging or phone use in the play area.
Phones must be switched to silent mode.
No phones left unattended in the play area that could be recording sound or video.
Do not hog play furniture for hours on end with your own scene.
If play furniture and play space are scarce, ask the DM for an estimate of a reasonable amount of time to use it.
There are whiteboards by each major piece of equipment, use these to book your place.
Be aware of the party pack downtime before starting scenes.
Clean up play furniture or play areas when you are done using them.
Pick up your toys so someone else can use the play area without stumbling on your belongings.
Wipe down the play furniture so it is not sweaty for the next person, and if any bodily fluids were spilt accidentally, clean them up thoroughly.
There is a safety area at each party with cleaning equipment.
If you are engaging in edge play it is your responsibility to clean up and make the play area is safe after use.
Bring your own drop sheets and consumables.
What to do if you experience or see bad behaviour
If during a UB party or event, in the first instance, talk to a DM or Event Host, or SIG Leader.
You can make a complaint to the UB Ethics Committee -
How to make a UB Ethics Committee complaint or raise an issue
Points to note:
Play furniture is not seating.
Do not move play furniture unless you ask the DM or host.
DMs decisions are final.
If you are engaging in edge play (which could potentially cause serious harm or loss of life), check first that it is agreed with the DM on duty.
If you use needles or edge play, bring your own safety and clean-up equipment.
Spotters will be required for certain types of play (fire play, rope suspension), check with the DM on duty.
In the event of Emergency Services being called, the DM or host will inform the attendees.
If you have a serious medical condition it is your responsibility to have available, to at least one person at the event, the following:
a safety plan
an emergency contacts list